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IT Idle Technology

Techies Hire Witch To Protect Computers From Viruses and Offices From Spirits 232

schwit1 writes: It may seem like your computer or smartphone is possessed by an evil spirit sometimes when a mysterious bug keeps causing an app to crash, but if you truly think your machine has been invaded by an evil spirit, there's someone who will take your call — Reverend Joey Talley. A Wiccan witch from the San Francisco Bay Area, Talley claims to solve supernatural issues for techies. Business Insider reports: "Talley’s website says she welcomes issues too unusual or dangerous to take the the straight world of Western helpers. But she also says no problem is too big or small, even, perhaps, your printer malfunctioning. However before you jump on the phone, you should be aware that Talley’s services do not come cheap. She charges $200 an hour (though a phone consultation is free)."
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Techies Hire Witch To Protect Computers From Viruses and Offices From Spirits

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  • by ledow ( 319597 ) on Sunday July 19, 2015 @09:35AM (#50139557) Homepage

    There is no cure for absolute fucking stupidity.

    • by Anonymous Coward on Sunday July 19, 2015 @09:45AM (#50139601)

      But there is

      http://www.darwinawards.com/ [darwinawards.com]

    • by pigiron ( 104729 )
      It's nonsense like this that is the direct result of lowering hiring standards in order to get a requisite quota of women and minorities employed where they should not be.
      • It's nonsense [...]

        You'd be a case in point. Though it may be that the club of knowledge, appropriately wielded may have some enlightening effect. Can't hurt to try - well, it might hurt you, but that's a small price to pay.

      • by Jawnn ( 445279 )

        It's nonsense like this that is the direct result of lowering hiring standards in order to get a requisite quota of women and minorities employed where they should not be.

        Jeezus, dude. Bigot much?

    • There is no cure for absolute fucking stupidity.

      True, but it's nice that Ellen Pao [wikipedia.org] found new work so quickly.

    • by Jawnn ( 445279 )

      There is no cure for absolute fucking stupidity.

      If you are referring to every religion that ever existed, then I'd the most I could accuse you of is being a bit insensitive. If you're singling out Wicca, then you are applying a blatant double standard and I would call that "absolutely fucking stupid". So, tell me. Are you religious at all?

      • by ledow ( 319597 )

        Nope. Completely agnostic / atheist (I'm agnostic but if you really made me choose an answer, then I'm vastly tending towards the atheist).

        But my characterisation of something this stupid as stupidity is not based on religious beliefs. Singing, praying, chanting, making funny noises, spraying the room with incense, thinking good thoughts, even swearing at it etc. WILL NOT FIX YOUR PRINTER. It's as simple as that.

        There doesn't need to be a religious bias in this to understand that.

        The fact that you think

    • There is no cure for absolute fucking stupidity.

      Yes there is. Education.

      People aren't usually born ignorant. They pick up stupid ideas from people who don't question what they've "learned" or overheard. Racist kids learn to be racist, either from parents or friends or both. Religious people learn their fictions about an all-powerful being who happens to love them unconditionally and have created them in his image because people *tell* them those fictions. People believe chronic lyme disease should be treated by massive and long-term IV antibiotics b

      • by ledow ( 319597 )

        You cannot teach those who are not willing to question their own beliefs. This is self-evident in things like science, etc. If you cannot question yourself, then you cannot learn.

        Yes, children can be brainwashed, which may TRANSMIT stupidity to them, they might become stupid or ignorant by proxy, but there's no cure if they aren't willing to learn, no matter the reason.

        Education only works when people are receptive. It works in children because they are receptive to anything and everything, which is why

        • Yes, all true with differing caveats. There are some kinds of stupid that can't be cured or are harder to cure because of the receptivity of the patient. Sometimes other avenues work (changes in social attitudes coming from their friends or co-workers) and create a useful feedback loop to correct some of the stupid. And sometimes, absolutely, kids are raised with habits that are intended to keep them ignorant or deluded. (See, e.g., going to religious service once a week).

          You can't fix some versions of

      • People aren't usually born ignorant

        While I agree with the gist of what you say, to some extent, I think your wording is unfortunate. Being ignorant means, by definition, to not know about something, so we are all born ignorant - that's why I prefer to use the term 'stupid' as something distinct from 'ignorant': stupid is when you learn to ignore facts to protect a belief, that would otherwise be proven false. I am ignorant about a lot of things, but I'm not stupid (I hope), because I don't refuse to change my views and beliefs if facts prove

  • by dskoll ( 99328 ) on Sunday July 19, 2015 @09:47AM (#50139609) Homepage

    Probably about as effective as most AV products or the average clueless outsourced support-monkey.

  • How is this different from any other tech consultant? Seriously, if you sold Real Estate the same way software is sold you would go to prison. If you sold used cars the same way software is sold you would go to prison.

    • Consulting is generally a huge scam. Or, in the words of a German comedian, "Consultants are like eunuchs. They know how it's done."

    • The profession of shaman has many advantages. It offers high status with a safe livelihood free of work in the dreary, sweaty sense. In most societies it offers legal privileges and immunities not granted to other men. But it is hard to see how a man who has been given a mandate from on High to spread tidings of joy to all mankind can be seriously interested in taking up a collection to pay his salary; it causes one to suspect that the shaman is on the moral level of any other con man. But it is a lovely work if you can stomach it.

      -- RAH

  • by Lumpy ( 12016 ) on Sunday July 19, 2015 @09:52AM (#50139647) Homepage

    For only $150 I'll do the same, except I can also chase away evil Norse spirits knows to attack apple hardware. Why choose a simple Wiccan that can only handle the basic underworld IT problems when you can hire a true multi spirtual IT expert and chase away Norse, Germanic, Greek, Aztec, american Indian, Chinese and even Ancient Egyptian and Syrian spirits?

    For a limited time only for only $15,000 a year I will proactively protect ALL your IT equipment from spirits from my location on two of the largest lay lines in the americas.

    • by Opportunist ( 166417 ) on Sunday July 19, 2015 @10:19AM (#50139765)

      Don't listen to that hack! Norse spirits, my butt! Everyone knows that Norse spirits play no role in Apple hardware, there were no apples in Scandinavia and hence these spirits know nothing how to deal with Apple products. As everyone who has at least a HINT of a clue when it comes to technospirits knows, most likely when you're dealing with a possessed Apple product you have a Greek spirit at your hands. Hesperides anyone? But in the case of evil Apple spirits, it is almost invariably some ploy of Eris you're dealing with. Fuck, doesn't anyone know his mythology these days anymore?

      Fucking hacks! Don't trust anyone but a ordained Discordian pope (like myself) to deal with stuff like that! Don't put your valuable data into jeopardy!

      Yes, getting your spirits warded by a genuine pope of the Church of Eris is pricey (my rates start at 300 for a first consultation) but would you rather pay 150 to that hack and get NOTHING in return? You deserve a better service than that!

      (Yes, I'm working in consulting. Why are you asking?)

    • Careful, I read of someone in Californica who was convicted of being a false Feng Shui consultant.
    • And for only 50 bucks I'll exorcize Windows from your computer.

    • But does your spiritual protection go up to 11?
  • Why is this stupid bullshit on the front page? Kick its ass back to idle if you absolutely have to have it on /. at all.
    • Why is this stupid bullshit on the front page? Kick its ass back to idle if you absolutely have to have it on /. at all.

      Um, interesting point of view coming from someone who chose the name warlock.

  • by Joe_Dragon ( 2206452 ) on Sunday July 19, 2015 @09:54AM (#50139655)

    We are haveing a hard time finding tech people who are also Wiccan witch so we need X3 more h1b's to find them.

  • The Obvious Quote (Score:5, Insightful)

    by djKing ( 1970 ) on Sunday July 19, 2015 @10:01AM (#50139677) Homepage Journal

    "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C. Clarke

    • Unfortunately, you still need to use the correct incantations(and sometimes some annoyingly expensive and specific material components) if you want the magic to work properly.
      • Indeed. I find there is much powerful magic in:
        #!/bin/ksh or #!/bin/bash or even: cc
        In the arcane tongue:
        #!/bin/perl

    • Any technology distinguishable from magic is not sufficiently advanced.

    • ...because we're too lazy to find the real problem. "Techies" are supposed to understand the technology. If they don't understand it, they work to understand it. That's what makes them techies. Software is logic in its purest form, short of actual math-on-paper, meaning all bugs have their source here in the real world, and can be solved with real solutions and enough work. Imagine the frustration a developer might have if spirits were real and actually interested in causing these sorts of problems. If th
  • weigh the same as a duck?

    • I'm tempted to try.

    • Re: (Score:2, Funny)

      by Anonymous Coward

      weigh the same as a duck?

      Not likely. Wicca is irresistably appealing to fat chicks. You'd have to find one massive duck. Maybe you could genetically engineer a duck to have a glandular disorder?

  • Which witch?
  • Developers, real estate, Ceos fresh out of college, ideas on napkins worth billions, etc.

    The whole valley is an overpriced scam bubble flooded with money from the top 2% while the rest have seen falling wages and not just this women. She is a symptom of an out of balance equation

  • Wicca was invented in the west.

    Using "western" as a pejorative is a near certain indicator that you're dealing with woo.

  • ...where it might have helped.

    Two come to mind at least from late 1980s when I was working as PC support for a University. Both cases are ones of "That is just not possible, but it is happening.."

    Case one: Screen going crazy, but not when I was in the same room.

    Got a call that one of the screens was flickering like crazy so I went to look.

    To visualize the place: the room was fairly long and narrow, with a small vestibule in front and thus double doors with about 1 meter in between. The inner door had a big

    • by freeze128 ( 544774 ) on Sunday July 19, 2015 @01:33PM (#50140737)
      In 1991, I was repairing PCs at a local shop. A desktop PC came in for some software to be installed. I powered it up, and installed the software. Then turned it off.... Or at least I flipped the power switch into the OFF position. The PC was still running.

      Mind you, this is in the days where the power switches on PCs were big red toggle switches that were connected directly to the mains. Well, It's possible that there may be a mechanical fault in the power switch, so I pulled the power cord.

      The machine was still running!

      I rubbed my eyes in disbelief. I double, no, triple-checked that I had pulled the power cord from the correct PC, that I had the monitor plugged into the machine that I thought I did, etc.

      I picked up my screwdriver, opened the case, and found a large expansion card populated with several batteries. It was an internal UPS that was feeding power directly to the motherboard!
  • I thought Slashdot was a nerd hangout...

    Geeze....

    :)

  • That moment when you quickly check the date on your computer to make sure it's not April 1st...

  • by wonkey_monkey ( 2592601 ) on Sunday July 19, 2015 @11:04AM (#50139985) Homepage

    Witch Says Techies Hire Her To Protect Computers From Viruses and Offices From Spirits

    Subheadline: Business Insider believes her for some reason

    FTFY.

  • You can build a proper perimeter defense, properly secure workstations, educate end users on avoiding malware, etc. Probably cost alot less than 200 bucks an hour and would be much more effective.

  • by Dr.Dubious DDQ ( 11968 ) on Sunday July 19, 2015 @11:34AM (#50140141) Homepage
    If you can't even command respect from the spirits inhabiting your own equipment, you shouldn't be in IT to begin with.

    (I actually used to have a "sacred rubber voodoo chicken" that I'd bring with me when someone was having a problem that had a quick solution that I knew about before I arrived on-site. Wait until they look away, click the button that fixes the problem, and then when they turn back, shake the rubber chicken at the computer. "That should do it, let me know if the spirits get disobedient again.")

    • (I work in public schools) once told a teacher that the network problems in her lab were because bad data was trapped in the cables and he went around and unplugged everything and left.

      I honestly still don't know if he was fucking with her or serious and I had to put it back together again and fix the real issue after.

  • Hide your bottles guys, the old witch is coming.

  • This is not known to many techies: Ganesha is the Lord of the Legion of ghosts and spirits. If you start all your projects with this simple prayer: " Oh, Thee clad in white clothes, with gray skin and four arms, Thee with the elephant face, we pray to Thee to remove all hindrances to project we are about to embark on. Aum! Peace, Peace, Peace to All", Ganesha will make sure there are no hindrances.

    An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

  • by jfruh ( 300774 ) on Sunday July 19, 2015 @12:39PM (#50140493)

    In 2000, the dot-com I worked for moved into new office space that had house three other companies that had failed in rapid succession, and our bosses brought in a feng shui consultant to cleanse it from the bad energy. It didn't work; we all go laid off less than eighteen months later.

  • As "entertainment"... I have no problem with this... highly amusing. I think if I heard she was coming I'd borrow some human skulls from some doctor friends of mine and just go all out so she walked into what looked like a legit necromantic/satanic ritual. I'd greet her with a goat skull on my head and scream "KALIII MAAAH!!!"

    You have to have fun with these things.

    Man... so much fun... I'd have to go full blow Halloween mode on that shit... get myself an "apocalypse cloak"... draw a giant pentagram between

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