Journalist Test Drives The Pain Ray Gun

Fantastic Lad writes to tell us that journalist Michael Hanlon recently got the opportunity to experience the Army's new not-so-secret weapon, dubbed "Silent Guardian". The Silent Guardian is essentially (even though the creators prefer you not refer to it as such) a ray gun, emitting a focused beam of radiation similar to your microwave tuned to a specific frequency to stimulate human nerve endings. "It can throw a wave of agony nearly half a mile. Because the beam penetrates skin only to a depth of 1/64th of an inch, it cannot, says Raytheon, cause visible, permanent injury. But anyone in the beam's path will feel, over their entire body, the agonizing sensation I've just felt on my fingertip. The prospect doesn't bear thinking about. "

Blimey!

[ackthpt]

"It can throw a wave of agony nearly half a mile. Because the beam penetrates skin only to a depth of 1/64th of an inch, it cannot, says Raytheon, cause visible, permanent injury. But anyone in the beam's path will feel, over their entire body, the agonizing sensation I've just felt on my fingertip. The prospect doesn't bear thinking about. "

Arr! This be a popular thing to consider against terrorists, insurgents and other bilge, but what of when a swab asks Sen. Kerry one too many questions?

In fact, it is easy to see the raygun being used not as an alternative to lethal force (when I can see that it is quite justified), but as an extra weapon in the battle against dissent. Because it is, in essence, a simple machine, it is easy to see similar devices being pressed into service in places with extremely dubious reputations.

"Blow me down, Senator, but why did ye let the scallywag take Ohio uncontested?"
"Belay the questioning, ye poxy bilge-bellied picaroon!"
*FFFNNZZZZZOOWWNT*
"Yaaaarrr!"

Sounds funny, do ye think? But by Davy Jone's locker, it doesn't bode us at all well when bloomin' cops be using it on the populace for crowd control or to force lubbers to obey their commands.

"Arr, get out of the vehicle and make way for boardin', swabbie!"
"Aye, but what of me constitutional rights against unreasonable looting and pillaging?"
*FFFNNZZZZZOOWWNT*
"Yaaaarrr!"

Aye a sobering thought. And will yer video camera help ye then? And what of the other wrong people layin' their mitts on this terrible new technology by way of the interweb -- ye don't like how a match is going? Give the swab in goal an itch he'd claw out with his own hook for just a second for the ball to pass into the net. Aye. People already are misusing lasers, what of these? No visible injury, sounds perfect for torture.

What next, use this on pirates? Well I'll be scuppered!

Re:Blimey!

[Em Adespoton]

Are people lovingly referring to it as "The Ronald" yet?

no way this will work

[rucs_hack]

I mean, even if you could get it mounted on a frikkin shark, they wouldn't survive long enough out of water for it to be used for crowd control.

Sounds awful

[illegibledotorg]

Detailed specs from Raytheon's patent filing show that the gun essentially plays Britney Spears' new single at an extremely high volume in a concentrated "cone of pain."

...oh the pain.

Forget the tin foil hat

[aj50]

Excuse me while I don my tin foil full body suit

After the test...

[teslatug]

The operator was heard saying: "What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel?"

My congrats

[evilviper]

I would like to take a moment to applaud this new direction the US Army has taken as of late. Nothing restores my faith in American more quickly than a standing policy of systematically punishing every journalist within reach, with any and all exotic weaponry available.

Re:1/64th inch of skin

[Flipao]

My tinfoil armor will reflect those microwaves back to the cast... er, I mean shooter... Arrr!

Re:Blimey!

[ackthpt]

The ones that already use Kalashnikovs for crowd control? I'll take the ray over stopping a round, thx.

Aye, but do ye think they'd have less reservations usin' one o' these devices knowin' they would leave no visible wounds? Aye see these bein' used often and with far more room for abuse.

• Ye, stepped out of line! *fnzownt*
• Ye don't have correct change! *fnzownt*
• Avast, I don't be likin' the look of ye! *fnzownt*
• Yer late for work! *fnzownt*
• Me supper's cold! *fnzownt*
• Ahoy, that be a dupe article! *fnzownt*

Re:Blimey!

[operagost]

• Ninjas rule! *fnzownt*

Re:Chilling...

[AJWM]

it had 10 settings 10 being the highest and 1 the lowest.

We've got one that goes to 11.

(Sorry, had to be said.)

Re:A new tool for the torture we don't do...

[click2005]

and is not being sold to countries with questionable human rights records.

Why? Does the US really need to do that much catching up?

Re:John Titor Predicted it

[operagost]

If you're going to cite a fictional crackpot as a reliable source, then I'm going to make the claim that pain ray guns [wikipedia.org] will be used by Christians against the forces of the Beast.

Re:Blimey!

[WhyDoYouWantToKnow]

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear's path, and only I will *fnzownt*

Comment removed

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Re:Blimey!

[ackthpt]

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear's path, and only I will *fnzownt*

Arr! Aye mod ye funny *fnzownt*

Re:...Cannot cause visible permanent injury?

[corsec67]

Imagine this thing in the hands of private citizens, and YouTube....

"Now here is a video of a person crossing the street running into an invisible pain ray" as a video...

Re:An interesting thought experiment

[jjohnson]

Imagine a jeep mounted pleasure ray. Imagine it parked at one end of a square, pointing at a crowd. Imagine the soldier running the ray gun saying "watch this." He turns the gun to the right--the crowd races to stay in the beam. He pans left, and the crowd shuffles left. He jerks it back right, and the crowd runs facefirst into the building on that side of the square.

Re:Chilling...

[Scrameustache]

Have you ever been in agony? Okay, now imagine that feeling connected to an on/off switch that someone else's hand is on.

The Vulcan Science Directorate has determined that time travel is...not fair.

There... are... FOUR... lights! *FFFNNZZZZZOOWWNT*

Re:Relatively hard

[Anonymous Coward]

> Common, they already made it illegal to wear a gaz-mask during manifestations in some countries.

And here I just bought a new gaz-mask for the next time I manifest myself in Somalia. Nuts! I guess I shall just have to remain incorporeal ...

Re:Blimey!

[Virtual_Raider]

As long as it's not a Gom Jar Jar, otherwise the pain would be unendurable AND it will leave deep psychological scarring. There is an userfriendly strip about this but couldn't find it =P

Re:Blimey!

[ConceptJunkie]

Oh, mighty Oracle, ye have the wind at yer back and yer lines tied tight and yer parrot always relieves himself in the garderobe and not on yer jerkin. Might I impore ye about this new ray *fnzownt*... ZOT!!!

Re:Blimey!

[The One and Only]

And if it was a Kareem Abdul Jabbar, you would either lose at basketball or get you ass kicked unless you discovered his secret weakness was vulnerability to light.

well, I'll be a tethered goat in atlas shrugged

[fontkick]

I, for one, welcome our nerve-vibrating microwave Hummer-mounted overlords who won't cause permanent, visible injury as long as we aren't wearing glasses or contacts.

Re:Blimey!

[Anonymous Coward]

Tinfoil hats, make way for tinfoil jumpsuits!

Re:Blimey!

[LordP]

Give me the child. Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great... You have no power over me*fnzownt*eeeeeyaarr!

Don't ray gun me, bro!

[kaos07]

Oblig.

Re:Blimey!

[sobachatina]

What'd ya expect fairies to do?

Re:Blimey!

[apt142]

Yar, but what be the good side?

Can ya be afixin my computer? *fnzownt*

Did ya be gettin' that memo? *fnzownt*

Can ya be a gettin' that new OS to me 'morrow? *fnzownt*

Avast! We need to gabber about dem der TPS reports. *fnzownt*

Yar, you be a scoutin' my wench's booty! *fnzownt*

Re:Even Sadder

[Hatta]

So what's happening with the cops? They're on trial for murder, right?