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ISECOM's Top 10 Real Computer Crimes

Posted by ScuttleMonkey on Mon Dec 18, 2006 08:27 PM
from the internet-stds dept.
Security IT
thelordx writes "ISECOM, the Institute for Security and Open Methodologies, has just posted their Top 10 Real Computer Crimes for 2007 and Beyond. This list runs the gambit from poorly designed patches to chlamydia! It's entertaining, but also scary, as many of us could fall victim to some or all of them."
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  • Crimes against the English Language (Score:5, Insightful)

    by plover (150551) * on Monday December 18 2006, @08:29PM (#17295312) Homepage Journal
    #11. Incredible run-on sentences that are in a difficult-to-read font and are not punctuated and sometimes written in the second person familiar and sometimes they changed tense and ended illogically disconnected from their premises even though you read them through to the end.

    • Re:Crimes against the English Language (Score:5, Funny)

      by owlnation (858981) on Monday December 18 2006, @08:43PM (#17295452)
      Yep, looks like they had a Christmas works party and then all got together and wrote this article while considerably boozed up. Gawd knows what this article is really about.

      Chlamydia from a computer? Erm, no. Those folks need to do a little reading.

      For those few of you who usually read the full article, this time, do yourself a favor and don't. It just hurts your head.

      And the really bad thing is that, if this was a post-party post, there's not a single scan of the secretary's ass from the photocopier. So, I guess the party sucked too.
      • Chlamydia from a computer? Erm, no. Those folks need to do a little reading.


        either that or you're just naive and unimaginative :-)


        For those few of you who usually read the full article, this time, do yourself a favor and don't. It just hurts your head.


        the article attempts to be funny but only manages to be completely lame.

      • Re: (Score:2, Insightful)

        by Antos700 (581386)
        I think you need to do a little re-reading. That particular point was just saying that if you are willing to browse dodgy websites, then expect the same results as associating with easy partners (i.e your gonna catch a virus.)

    • Re: (Score:2, Informative)

      by Anonymous Coward
      Also, from the summary, one "runs the gamut"; you cannot run a "gambit". A gambit is a trick or move designed to gain advantage. A gamut is an entire range of things.

      • Re: (Score:2, Informative)

        by poopdeville (841677)
        A gambit is more than just a trick or move to gain advantage. It requires a material sacrifice. And yes, you can run a gambit. That phrase just doesn't mean what the author thinks it does.

    • Re:Crimes against the English Language (Score:5, Funny)

      by Anonymous Coward on Monday December 18 2006, @09:07PM (#17295624)
      So Im sitting here and Im trying to figure out whats so goddamn special about anime. Im still trying to figure that out. Theres got to be a free dose of heroin in every DVD or something. Because you know, I cant walk out of the fucking door without someone talking about Inuyasha, and holy fuck Trigun is just the bees knees. Im taking a dump; Im sitting on the toilet wiping my ass with bible pages (because thats what I use when I run out of toilet paper.) And someones going to be standing there talking about how big of a boner they get over Tank Police and Neon Jell-O Evangelist or whatever the fuck.

      So Im thinking Wow gee hosifat, this anime stuff has got to be some nifty shit. There had better be some sliced bread out there that cant get work anymore over this shit. The last time people had this much fun they just discovered they could get drunk and beat their kids. So this shit had better be able to cure AIDS and kill nuns its that fucking great. Old people had better be turning off the I Dream of Jennie reunion to watch this shit its that fucking great.

      So I sit down to watch anime. And its not that hard because its on every fucking channel. Six hundred and fifty trillion channels and their all playing anime twenty four hours a day. So I pick a channel and I sit down to watch it; and its not like I havent seen anime before you know, but every time I happen to mention that I dont personally like it, someones head will pop out from under the nearest rock and say But have you seen it lately? Its not like Sailor Moon anymore! Because apparently the last five years has done for anime what silicon did for Alyssa Molino, you know.

      So Im sitting in my chair and I turn on the anime and Ive got my dick in my hand ready to jerk it to happy oblivion because apparently its that fucking important. And hey, check this out, its the same three-frame per second six-color crap it always was! You can watch this shit with Shockwave on a 486 and there wouldnt be any difference.

      And its because we incinerated all of Japans in-between artists at the end of World War 2 I know it. They cant make an hour long cartoon with more than a hundred frames in it because theyve only got three mother fuckers left who can draw.

      And I cant jerk off to this, my dick would never respect me again. But suddenly, everyones flooding in my room and theyre like Ohh youre watching Otagotcha Watamotigotchimona. This is the best show in all fucking existence. And now theyre jerking their dicks off, and all I can think is that they dont deserve their dicks. What the fuck is making everyone go so batshit over anime?

      And then it occurs to me, its fucking El Niño. Yeah, thats what it is. Some guy gets caught raping a dead squirrel and someones going to blame El Niño for it. This is all El Niños fault because thats where the aliens live with their damn mind rays that are making everyone fucking retarded. Fuck South America!

      So I fire a bunch of nukes at South America so everyones heads will suddenly be extracted from their asses again. And I do it anime style too, I narrate it as Im doing it. So, Im like Ohh, did you know that I would send the most powerful force in the universe to destroy you today, but now you know because Im the great warrior Anonymous, whos spirit was imprisoned by the god of penile dysfunction over a thousand years ago and have been waiting to be awakened this very day by the magical sound of the very last human putting his head up his ass, ohhh.

      Because thats a wonderful story you know, thats what makes anime so wonderful its the story. Its the stories that make the anime so wonderful. The stories, thats what it is. You know, only their not stories! Ohh telling a thousand years of history in thirty seconds in the middle of a movie, when you do that, thats not a fucking story. Thats the fucking cincher OK? When you do that in the middle of a mental hospital theyre give you a fucking lobotomy.

      So I launch the nukes at South America, and their like Anonymous you bastard! and

      • Re: (Score:2, Insightful)

        by GigsVT (208848)
        That post had more run-on sentences than the article, but was actually 100 times more entertaining. Thanks.
    • I honestly exploded while reading it. Someone should really tag it with a warning right now because we don't want any conveyor belts stealing our airport security checkpoint. (reference #10)

    • In a slashdot first (Score:5, Funny)

      by MEGAMAID (791988) on Monday December 18 2006, @09:31PM (#17295814)
      For the love of god please don't RTFA! It hurts.
    • But... it runs the gambit!

  • hwah? (Score:5, Insightful)

    by yagu (721525) * <yayagu@Nospam.gmail.com> on Monday December 18 2006, @08:30PM (#17295320) Journal

    I don't know much about ISECOM, but aside from being virtually indecipherable reading, I don't find their list: 1) to be crimes (necessarily) and/or b) credible.

    Consider #7 (a short and sweet one):

    Your bank will add more small print and find new ways to charge for internet-enabled things they save money on but they call it a new service so you pay more for it.

    I have had more distaste for the banking industry over the last ten years... but banks are in a competitive market (so far), and are fairly tightly regulated. Their internet-enabled "things" may or may not save them money, a lot of times maybe not, but more fairly would be described as poorly implemented and hardly worth paying for. Banks, OTOH, are allowed to charge for their services, poorly implemented or not.

    Also, consider "crime" #9:

    The sweet girl from procurements with the pink-laced keds gets caught selling toner cartridges on E-bay which she stole from your office printer and she tells the boss that she didn't know it was from there because you gave it to her and when they go to investigate they find some work documents on your personal USB key drive that you needed to move files to another computer in a department with a printer that still had toner along with a file full of MP3s and spreadsheet full of numbers you'd been toying with to see if it's feasible to start your own competing business.

    Consider it not so much for considering as much as for just plain interpreting it... aside from the fact it's a multi-runon (I think) sentence and it's a hundred words (give or take), I'm not sure what it's saying.

    This article probably shouldn't have been posted. (Nor, I guess, should this post... sigh.)

    • Googled "chlamydia"? Hmm? Hhhhmmmmm?

    • Re: (Score:3, Insightful)

      by russotto (537200)

      The sweet girl from procurements with the pink-laced keds gets caught selling toner cartridges on E-bay which she stole from your office printer and she tells the boss that she didn't know it was from there because you gave it to her and when they go to investigate they find some work documents on your personal USB key drive that you needed to move files to another computer in a department with a printer that still had toner along with a file full of MP3s and spreadsheet full of numbers you'd been toying w

    • It costs something like $1.50 every time you cash a check. The bank pays a teller to properly log it into the system, to ship it somewhere, do whatever processing, and whatever else it needs to get your money.

      It seems then, reasonable, that with banks now being able to computerize images of checks, and automatically process them, or having an online bill pay where a bank has less work to do, can save a bank (which processes however many checks a day) buttloads of money.

      Do you pay for it as a consumer? May

  • Missing: (Score:3, Insightful)

    by Lord_Slepnir (585350) on Monday December 18 2006, @08:34PM (#17295346) Journal
    11. ISECOM using run on sentences on just about every point in that article making it impossible to read, leading to people who have competent english skills to go insane from the lack of a breaking point even though all ISECOM has to do is to look between the comma and the slash keys and press that damn button once or twice during the duration of thier insane rants that don't really make any sense anyway.

  • We are victims (Score:3, Funny)

    by siriuskase (679431) on Monday December 18 2006, @08:36PM (#17295366) Homepage Journal
    Many /.ers are victims of an STD? How did that happen?

  • 1. Your computer will probably crash a lot or at least reboot for no apparent reason but most likely due to some patch you got through an automated update which you are told to do for security reasons because apparently security and stability are incompatible.

    Ok, these guys must have no aptitude [debian.org] for system administration.

  • Please.... (Score:4, Insightful)

    by djupedal (584558) on Monday December 18 2006, @08:38PM (#17295398)
    "It's entertaining, but also scary, as many of us could fall victim to some or all of them."

    Wow - entertaining, scary AND the possibility of victimization! All this story needs is some popcorn and gratuitous sex!!!

    For the record - the story is neither entertaining nor scary, and just because you're stupid enough to fall prey doesn't mean the general population is in the same boat.

  • Useless (Score:5, Insightful)

    by Anonymous Coward on Monday December 18 2006, @08:41PM (#17295412)
    Sweeping generalizations, unrealistic scenarios, and poorly written run-on sentences. This sounds like it was written by a 12-year old girl. Thanks for the heads up on yet another organization to completely ignore in the future.

  • Wow (Score:4, Insightful)

    by Anonymous Coward on Monday December 18 2006, @08:41PM (#17295414)
    Worst. List. Ever.

    I think my brain just screamed from the horrible, horrible sentence structure. What, was this written by a seven year old?
  • Vista.

  • huh? (Score:2, Informative)

    by BerkeleyDude (827776)
    Why is this on slashdot?

    Your computer will probably crash a lot or at least reboot for no apparent reason but most likely due to some patch you got through an automated update which you are told to do for security reasons because apparently security and stability are incompatible.

    Come on... That's like saying, "Something will probably go wrong because someone will mess something up, and it's not my fault, and I can't do anything about it, and in fact, I have no idea what I'm talking about."

  • FLASHING TEXT ads on slashdot's front page didn't make the list...

    wtf, seriously.

  • sounds familiar (Score:3, Insightful)

    by illuminatedwax (537131) <stdrange@nospam.alumni.uchicago.edu> on Monday December 18 2006, @08:59PM (#17295538) Journal
    This article just keeps talking in one incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so that no one could interrupt it was really quite hypnotic.

    (Tagged justkeepstalkinginoneincrediblyunbrokensentencemov ingfromtopictotopic)
  • They said, "expect that bad people are happy to do bad things to them just like if you leave kids running around in public places unattended then bad people may do bad things to them as well with the odds basically being the same for all of it all happening."

    Well, since the actual odds of anything happening to your children even if you were irresponsible enough to leave them "running around in public places unattended" are practically nil, I guess we're ok then.

    That *is* what they're trying to say here, ri

  • What? (Score:2, Insightful)

    by NineNine (235196)
    What was "this" article about, exactly? It made no sense, whatsoever. How are these "crimes"? What are the top 10 of? Why in the hell was this piece of crap posted?

    See, Slashdot is just another blog now. A big one. An old one. But now, it's just another plain ol' vanilla blog. Blogs live and die on popularity, and the popularity is generally related to the quality of the articles posted. If Slashdot continues down this long, editorial spiral of shit for much longer, I'm about to strike out to find
  • I now have this saved as the moment when slashdot jumped the shark. Now to see if I can find any prior art...
  • DON'T! Really, for just this once, it's okay not to RTFA! It's the stupidest thing I've seen linked from /. in a long time. I can only assume ScuttleMonkey hates us and posted this to make us suffer.

  • Chlamydia? (Score:3, Funny)

    by oohshiny (998054) on Monday December 18 2006, @09:35PM (#17295836)
    Getting Chlamydia requires intimage physical contact; I don't think there is much risk there for Slashdot members.
  • Check out the "about us" section, original name of the group was the "Ideahamster Organization." Just think about the acronym for a second. Sound it out. I...See...C(u)m. One big joke to fool around with the Slashdot crowd, and probably a few other news blogs too. Don't be surprised if you see this on Fark or digg...
  • Why are people criticising the article as if it is serious...it's obviously a joke. The run-on sentences, the crazy associations (bruised knee!) etc...it's funny! I suppose every person has a different sense of humour (I know people who think that "Little Britain" is funny!) but I'm surprised that people mistook it for a real article.

  • Candidates for ISECOM's #11 (Score:2, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward
    You are using your laptop in the toilet and then the toilet comes to life and eats your laptop and then you fight the toilet with a whip Indiana Jones style and then it wins and eats you and belches out the words 'Who's the boss?!' and then it wins an Emmy Award and becomes president of the United States of America.

    Makes about as much sense.
  • top 10 most horrible lists that the editors automatically post because it's the end of the year and has "top 10" in it?

    My bet is fairly high.
  • Using a run-on sentence one time can be a useful humor device to get a point across. If they had done it just once, it would have been very funny. Ten times, however, was annoying and not so funny.

  • Don't think so. (Score:3, Funny)

    by ajs318 (655362) <sd_resp2@earthshod.c o . uk> on Tuesday December 19 2006, @06:04AM (#17298352)
    Having read that list, I don't think any of them are likely to happen to me.

    1. Unlikely. If my computer ever crashes, it does so for a reason. The software I am using [debian.org] has been independently audited. I've read the Source Code of some of it myself.

    2. Unlikely. I know how to use locate.

    3. Unlimited traffic. Static IP. Anything less is not a proper internet connection.

    4. Bloody unlikely. I use a web browser [kde.org], not a virus magnet [microsoft.com]. That's on top of an Operating System [debian.org] which is immune to viruses, spyware and adware -- by design.

    5. I know how to turn off Bluetooth. So does anyone who has to pay for their electricity by the joule.

    6. It's right there in the Terms and Conditions of my bank account: We will never ask you for personal information via the Internet. And it means what it says.

    7. See 6. Anyway, there are only two ways my bank could add an "internet-enabled" service I'd actually use: let me take a photo of a pile of pound notes and coins, upload it and pay it into my account; or let me print pound notes on my own printer.

    8. I don't buy software, I download it using apt-get. What is a CD key?

    9. Bit far-fetched. Anyway, if anybody's going to be selling off the toner cartridges, it's me!

    10. Unlikely. I don't travel by air anyway.

  • Lame comments (Score:3, Insightful)

    by stewbacca (1033764) on Tuesday December 19 2006, @07:25AM (#17298784)
    The only thing worse than the below-average attempt at humor in this article is the sheer number of slashdot people who don't even get it is a joke in the first place (even if the joke isn't that funny). Seriously, get out and get some air.

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